Wisdom Shared by Geoff and Lowell BamberTopics include · Quality Time · Quality Communication · Resolving Conflict · Parents an In-Laws · Good communication in sexual relations · The Five Love Languages
BUILDING STRONG MARRIAGES Sunday 26 Oct 2008-10-24 This could be a talk on “Building strong relationships” – just about all the stuff would apply (perhaps not the physical aspect) – but let’s bear in mind that we are dealing specifically with the Marriage relationship – the most intimate and important human relationship that we will experience. Sadly some would argue that your relationship with your children is more important. This thinking undermines our marriage relationship and can be quite destructive both to the marriage as well as to the children. So……..fasten your seatbelts, get your brain into gear – we’re about to set off on a jumbo airbus for a trip to “destination blissful marriage” ! ! ! By 10.30 today you’ll have your marriage sorted – it’ll just be cruising from then on. GARBAGE GARBAGE GARBAGE The title of this is BUILDING Strong Marriages – building takes time, lots of hard yakka, maybe some mistakes, teamwork, stopping to look at what you’ve built thus far and forward planning. It doesn’t just happen – well – the end result may not be too great if you allow it to just happen ! ! ! Marriage : the norms of today are almost diametrically opposed to the way God planned it “serial monogamy” – new buzz word - ask for definition Some quotes from Weekend Australian Magazine article – “Leaving Lessons” – the art of breaking up well! - The non-nuclear family is now the fastest growing household type in Australia
- 2006 showed a declining divorce rate – BUT – marriage rates were declining faster – and co-habiting partners were uncoupling too - so break-ups are on a steep increase (divorce rates don’t mean v much)
- relationships stand or fall on the basis of whether your emotional needs are being met
- divorce will double the risk of “mental health difficulties” for kids.
- By 2050 Australians could expect to have 3 partners over their lifetime:the first for “travelling, fun and sex”, the 2nd for marriage, mortgage and children; and the 3rd for “winding down” with a soul mate.
Myths of today: - It’s OK if it feels good for you as long as you’re not hurting anyone else
- Seek first your own fulfilment and all other things will be added unto you
- Love is a feeling that you can’t control – it comes “out of the blue” and disappears just as mysteriously – what do you do when you just don’t love him/her any more ?
Differences between loving and being “in love” An act of the will about uncontrollable feelings
grows – deepens disappears as mysteriously as it came
about giving about self and getting
It’s also quite helpful to have an understand of the different types of love there are – we only have 1 word – there are 4 in Greek - Philios – brotherly affection – quite superficial - broad
- Storge – comradeship – friendship – companionship – “mateship”
- Eros – cupid – falling in love –erotic – involves sexuality but not exclusively sexual
- Agape – unconditional Christ-like love – ability to seek the highest good of the other
So how do we build strong marriages? If you asked people in the street what makes a good relationship the most common answer would be “good communication”. Show video clip And that is correct. 1. Quality timeIf we want to achieve quality communication we need to plan quality time together in order to achieve that.TMC advocates 10 mins a day– 2 hrs a week (Marriage time) and 1 weekend a year. Give examples. (us bathing together) We have to make this happen – it won’t happen automatically. Even if we have quantity of time – we have to ensure that it is quality (watching TV together is not quality – if we are very busy with young children etc and don’t have quantity, then the time that we do have together can be made into quality time e.g. make “doing the dishes “ a good time of communication.Interactive exercise:Discuss with your partner how you could/would like to spend 10mins/day, 2hrs/wk and 1 wknd/yr together 2. Quality communicationEffective communication involves the message, the sender and the receiverWe need to be good at both sending and receiving the message. The message = experiences, thoughts, feelings, desires, dreamsTalking –If we don’t talk to each other we may begin confiding in others. Barriers to talking – too complicated, might upset them, I may get emotional, I sound weak, not important, don’t want to disturb the peace etc. Listening - If we don’t listen to our spouse they will “shut down” – stop talking. James 1:19 “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Prov 18:3 “Those who answer before listening – that is their folly and their shame.”
We can give support to our spouse JUST BY LISTENING.
Selective listening – it requires effort – how does it feel to be really listened toInteractive Exercise: How does it feel when you are listened to? How does it feel when you are NOT listened to? To whom would you go if you needed a listening ear? What makes that person a good listener? Hindrances to listening · filters – e.g. memories, interests, physical environment, past experience, strong feelings, · bad habits – reassurer (they themselves can’t cope with your problem), advice giver (if I were you…), intellectualising/spiritualising (always trying to find an explanation) , going off on a tangent (that reminds me of when I….), interrupter possibly illustrate this with acting out “Jack and Jill”Practice being an effective listener: explain “handkerchief” strategy. 3. Resolving conflict.
Hedgehogs (withdraw when threatened) &
Rhinos (attack when provoked)
We think winning involves someone losing but unresolved conflict ends up with no-one winning – trench warfare (we dig in)
· Express appreciation for one another – a daily discipline – be thankful and appreciative – don’t focus on what irritates you.
Matt 7;3“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in the other person’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?”
Interactive exercise: think of 6 expressions of appreciation about your partner – be specific – not allowed to say can’t think of anything. · Recognising our differences – don’t try to change each other (joke: about men and women) – look for each other’s strengths and support each other’s weaknesses
Rom 15:7 Accept one another then, just as Christ accepted you…”
Interactive exercise : Hold hands while I read out these characteristics – nudge the person for whom it mostly applies – if it applies to both of you then squeeze – (usually find there are many areas where you differ – opposites attract – but often the differences that attracted you at the beginning of your relationship become sources of irritation later)
example: clothing, loves roughing it,· Negotiating areas of conflict
Time (10 o’clock rule), Identify the ISSUE and don’t allow argument to widen to other issues(sofa illustration), Discuss not attack, (avoid “you always” “you never” & use I statements), Work out possible solutions (list – writing down is very helpful) then choose the best one but be prepared to re-evaluate.
James 5:16 Confess your faults to one another and pray for one another…
Eph 4:26Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry · Praying together Put God at the centre of your relationship and don’t expect your partner to meet ALL your needs – we will inevitably fail each other and get hurt. Only God can meet our needs.
Short time – regularly – stick to personal needs – start with thankfulness –what can I pray for YOU today? – listen to partner’s request – vertical not horizontal – don’t give up – draw on God’s promises from scripture - (Daily Light) – don’t put limitations on what God can do.
Ecc 4:12 A cord of 3 strands is not quickly broken
Also good to have longer times of prayer/evaluation together
Example: Sat mornings by the river: Easter:re-evaluating, planning, etc Some people do it on New Year’s day. 4. Parents and In-laws
· Leaving and cleaving Gen 2:24 For this reason a man will leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife.
It’s a psychological, emotional and spiritual move out from our parental influence when we marry. We need to create a new centre of gravity – independence must be complete. Who is your best friend? (Don’t listen to criticism and refuse to take sides. (as in laws – don’t criticise ). Develop a relationship of mutual support with parents and in-laws. Help each other to draw boundaries if necessary.· Our family background is a huge influence on our marriage. May involve racial/cultural/religious differences which can be great sources of conflict and misunderstanding. Our expectations are built largely on how our family operated.
example: who planned the holidays? Was the dad a Mr Fixit ? Could mum cook really well ? Illustration: Bolte story. How John has put us in our place sometimes. · Healing childhood pain Recognise unmet childhood needs – grieve with each other – Rom 12:15 Mourn with those who mourn. Example:Geoff and his Dad
Forgive – it’s an ongoing act of the will – ask God to heal the sense of loss and help you to know His love for you. Don’t use childhood pain as an excuse for not meeting your partner’s needs. Receive comfort from one another but don’t demand it. 5. Good communication in our physical/sexual relationship
Sex is the ultimate body language.
Mike Mason in his book “The mystery of marriage” says – “to be naked with another person is a sort of picture or symbolic demonstration of perfect honesty, perfect trust, perfect giving and commitment, and if the heart is not naked along with the body, then the whole action becomes a lie and a mockery – the giving of the body but the withholding of the self. It is not a step that establishes deep intimacy, but one which presupposes it. In other words – we don’t have sex in order to gain intimacy – sex is the product of our intimacy.Sex is God’s invention – His gift for our pleasure and enjoyment within marriage – way of communicating love that goes beyond words. Song of Songs.
Four biblical principles that provide the setting for a fulfilling sexual relationship - It’s a powerful force – intended to be more than a temporary physical bond – a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife.
- A lifetime of discovery – Prov 5:18-19..may you rejoice in the wife of your youth…may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.”
Lovemaking matures as a couples relationship develops. Contrary to movies etc where it’s more exciting if new or adulterous. - An essential ingredient – not the icing on the cake but an essential ingredient of the cake itself.
· An act of giving – both husband and wife think of how to give pleasure to each other. Not for self-gratification.
Need to understand that we are different – show cartoon (What you will never hear a man say!) – picture Male and female On/Off switches. Someone has said:- - Men can’t get enough sex – women can’t get enough romance
- Men are thinking about the destination: women … the journey
- Men are like gas cookers- heat up instantly and cool down rapidly. Women are like pot belly stoves, they take time to heat up but stay hot much longer.
Six qualities of great lovers – to help us retain the romance and protect our marriages from the allure of an affair. - Good communication There is supposedly great openness about sex and sexuality today yet many people are still embarrassed to talk honestly with each other about sex in their marriage. – strange paradox – sex is bandied about in society but privately we don’t mention it especially if we have problems. We can’t expect our partners to just sense what we’d like them to do/know - tell him/her – hard at first but you get used to it.
- Importance of Tenderness – the opposite is violence – in Australia it’s found that the home is the most violent place. How tragic ! 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence. Be responsible - Own up to it - Get help! It is available.
Take time over love-making – tune in to each other’s emotional needs – resolve conflict first – increase non-sexual touching - Responsiveness Song of Songs : if you’ve never read it – do that together out loud. Song of Songs 4: 12 & 16
Lover: You are a garden locked up …my bride you are a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain
Beloved: Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread abroad. Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits - Variety Familiarity breeds complacency/boredom (can lead to an affair)– creativity produces excitement – different place, time, atmosphere, routine
Song of Songs 7:13 At our door is every delicacy, both new and old, that I have stored up for you, my lover
- The Five Love Languages
Matthew has already preached on this and we don’t have time to deal with it now but we believe that this understanding of one another is one of the most effective tools we have for building strong relationships – particularly the marriage relationship. Show and Recommend the book
- Loving Words – each other’s #1 fan – not putting one another down even in jest – use words of appreciation, encouragement, kindness and requests (not demands)
- Thoughtful presents – visual symbol of love – not necessarily expensive – examples: Janine
- Physical affection – actions can speak louder than words – sexual and non-sexual (need to be able to differentiate – men and women function differently). If this is your partner’s love language, in times of crisis touch wil communicate more than anything else that you care
- Quality time – focussed attention com = together
communication = making thoughts common
companionship = taking bread together – mealtimes are especially important
comradeship = being together in the same place – friendship is built around shared activities, interests and memories - Kind actions – seeking to meet their needs in practical ways
routine and non-routine acts of service
requested but not demanded
don’t limit to stereotypes copied from parents or culture
Interactive exercise – with your partner each identify your primary and second love language. Affirm your partner in how they express their love to you then tell your partner how you can make more of an effort to “speak” his/her language.
In summary- Quality time – Marriage time – plan it
- Communication – work at it
- Study your partner’s love languages – practice expressing love in different ways.
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